i dont know

i dont know why i still feel like this.

why i still dream about your touch in the middle of the night. why i wake up every morning hoping that you messaged me while i was sleeping. why i am still in love with you. why i crave the sound of your voice. why i miss your laugh.

i dont know why i miss these things.

why i miss your sheets and how they feel on my legs. why i miss your room and its lights. why i miss your car. why i miss the lunches with you. why i miss the rides with you. why i miss the little things that usually dont matter. they give me nightmares.

i dont know why i still talk about you.

why i feel little twinges of pain when i hear your name. why i feel hope when i say your name. why i talk bad about you in hopes that one day i will hate you. i cant hate you, by the way.

i dont know why i still write to you.

why i speak on here like i am talking to you, although i bet you dont even read these. why i type these words and continue to dwell on the past.

its been five months since you left me, but i still feel like it was yesterday.

i dont know why i am doing this but it gives me hope.





today i’m driving back from seeing family, and i cannot help but to think of you.
i remember us driving around the lake, holding hands, not knowing where in the world we were going to end up. you rubbed my hand and i looked at you the whole time. that was one of my favorite days.

you took me out to lunch, to that mexican place we loved, and then off we went.

i remember driving back from the party and me thinking “tonight’s the night.” and it was, but i loved that night too.

we would always put on meaningful music while you drove and i loved you so much on those rides.

you never realize how much you’ll miss the little things once you’re separated, like the short drives around. i miss your little car, and the passenger seat that i occupied frequently. i miss you singing, and afterwards saying how bad you were.

this is what i miss the most.

(if you end up reading this, i love when you sing.)